Mars's Handbook to Being A Dark Lord
by Jive22
Summary: Rule number 9 for being a Dark Lord. Muggle-borns are awesome, anyone who thinks differently need to die.
1. Chapter 1

**When I get sick, or have insane amount of bored time on my hands, I just think of ideas for stories. And I write them, so hence; if the story isn't a one shot…they just have a few chapters before they…just sit there unfinished. But that's sokay… I think.**

**This is strictly a dialogue story so ..dont expect details to the fullest extent…. I feel like being lazy and not detailed. I know it doesn't improve my writing and it isn't very creative…idk… WARNING: MAJOR MARY-SUE…I think…**

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"DO you accept this mark of honor?" Tom asked his newest recruit.

"You bet your ass I do." The short brown haired witch smirked. Tom smiled small. Tom put his wand to her arm.

"Alright this won't hurt but a bit-" he was cut off mid-sentence.

"AAHAAAAHAHHAHAAHAAHAAH!" She gave a mighty screeching scream, Tom jumped out of his shoes with fright. Literally. His socks had cute little monkeys dancing across them.

"Where do you hurt? That wasn't supposed to hurt! Why-why are you laughing!" He looked at the witch who was laughing so hard there were tears in her light green eyes.

"April Fools Day Tommy-Boy. Really, you should keep better track of dates, you ARE the next dark Lord. Dark lords are organized lords. You should know that, didn't it come in the Dark Lords handbook?" She pointed out to him. He just stared at her as if she was from mars… she probably was.

"I knew it was April Fools day, I just wasn't expect-"He got cut off again.

"EXACTLY! You weren't expecting. Gosh Tommy, if I knew you weren't going to read the Handbook I wouldn't have joined you." The audacious witch talked over him…AGAIN..

"OK, What is this handbook you speak of? I must read this." He said.

"It's right here in my pocket, hang on." She dug around in her pockets until she found the small book that was her diary out of her pocket. Tom eyed the small pink tattered book.

"That diary of yours is the dark lord handbook?"

"Yup."

"You are going to make me read it, aren't you."

"Yup." She gave him a chesire grin and sat the book in front of him. He eyed the sloppy handwriting with mistrust.

**The Dark Lords Handbook **

**By: Mars **

**Ten Things every Dark Lord should know or do.**

**You must be organized, in mind, body, school, plans, and bedroom.**

"WHAT! This says My bedroom has to be organized…tell me this isn't so!" He begged of Mars.

"Sorry, whatever the book says, you must do." Mars happily informed.

"NOOOOOOO! That means the random fuzzy moldy sock that is on top of my teddy bear in the middle of the room next to the bowl of cereal that I didn't finish two years ago will have to go!" Tom grieved for his losses. "Must we read more of this evilness?"

"If you want to be a Dark Lord." Mars whispered.

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because I feel like it. You got a problem with that?"

"Psht. No. Did I say that? I don't remember saying anything of that sort, DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER ME SAYING ANYTHING OF THAT SORT?" He eyed the death eaters in the room with them dangerously. They all got the message.

"No master we remember nothing of that sort." All five of them said at the exact same time.

"Hmm. Alright Tommy. I believe you for now." Mars and Tom started to read the book again.

**2. He must be able to do ten backflips in a miniskirt like a cheerleader. Without being embarrassed. **

"Erm, I got that one in the can, RIGHT GUYS!" He said in avoidance of trying this one. They all nodded rapidly. Mars raised her eyebrow for a moment, then nodded her head in acceptance.

** captivity reasons, Dark Lords mustn't EVER be captured. If you are a Dark Lord and get caught, you ARE screwed, and the title of the Dark Lord is no longer yours.**

**4. You must dress as something super-cute on Halloween. Every Halloween, for the rest of your life. It is strictly against Dark Lord Protocol to dress up as something scary.**

**5. You are not allowed to eat Chinese.**

"THIS cannot be true! I love Chinese!" Tom shouted in denial. Mars twirled her hair in boredom.

"Done ranting?" He nodded his head. "Good. DO you want to be a Dark Lord? Well these are your rules. You must live and breathe these rules. Got it?" He once again nodded, his mood a little more downcast.

**6. Black robes are not acceptable. You either go naked or wear something else.**

"BUT BLACK IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!"

"Dark Lord Tom, do not wear Black, Gray though, is perfectly acceptable.

"….gray it is then…." He muttered.

**7. If you ever happen to be at a graveyard, do not make your servant take blood from a poor boy stuck in your trap for immorality.**

"Okay? That is an interesting rule."

**8. Dark Lords love gummie bears, if you don't you better learn how love them.**

"Oh, I love gummie-bears. This is a good rule." Tom agreed which made Mars grin widely.

"Well that is splendid, I have some gummie-bears here, Wanna go halfsies?"

"Really?" She nodded her head. "YAY! Gimme my bears!" So they split the bag of gummie bears in between the two of them.

**9. Muggle-borns are awesome, anyone who thinks differently need to die.**

"Oh. Hey Malfoy, Nott, Xavier, do you still think muggle-borns need to die?" They all shook their heads no rapidly.

**10. And last, but not least, Dark Lords are not to be defeated by one year olds. **

"You know, I kind of figured this one on my own." He said sarcastically.

"Really? Uh, could've fooled me."

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**Well What do yall think? I can't decide whether or not to leave this story as a one-shot or write more. **

**I like Mars, she cool. Do you like Mars?**

**Review! :D**

**Later, **

**Jive22**


	2. Chapter 2

**Erm, I guess as you have noticed I have gone ahead and decided to make this into a story of multi-numerous chapters, instead of the more oneish shot nature I started with. I don't know…I just confuzzled my self…again…**

**And I just realized that back then they might not have had gummie bears! (scary thoughts…) Do you think they had gummie bears back then?**

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Tom and Mars sat at the opening of the Chamber of Secrets.

"How do we get in Tommy, It is just a tunnel." Mars stated looking down the scary pipe.

"How in the bloody hell am I supposed to know? Why don't we consult your bloody book?" Tom sneered sarcastically. Mars's face lit up.

"Why didn't I think of that? You are bloody brilliant Tom! It is time like these I remember why exactly I joined you. Oh, I am just so proud of my creation." She said proudly and pinched his cheeks and laughed when his face wrinkled up in annoyance. She grabbed her ever-famous pink book from her pocket and opened it up. "Hey Tommy, give me your quill." He handed her his quill.

She started writing in the first blank page in her book.

_Dear Dark Lords Handbook,_

_My friend Tom and I were wondering how to get down into the Chamber of Secrets without jumping down the tunnel._

_You guys are magical people are you not? At least one of you is the heir of Slytherin, the least you can do is use Slytherins brain, ask for a way down. _

"Well, your book is nice." Tom said.

"You keep forgetting, it is YOUR book Tommy, I'm just holding it for you."

"Okay, so how do I ask for a way down?"

"Gosh Tommy, Dark Lords are supposed to be better at connecting the dots better than you are. Unless if they have a second-in-command that is by their sides at all times to do that just for them, I guess your okay then, I am your second-in-command." She stated.

"You're my second-in-command?" Tom asked, she raised her eyebrow at him dangerously; he quickly cleared his throat and said, "I meant, You are my second-in-command." He said in an informative voice, Mars rolled her eyes.

"Alright Second, what do we do?"

"First of all, if you are going to start calling me second, I am going to fuck off and leave you here to twiddle your thumbs and kiss your bum." Tom raised his eyebrow. "It rhymed, I like rhymes. DO you have a problem with my rhymes?" He shook his head no quickly. "That's what I thought. You got the door to open because you are a parselmouth, no? Use your effing parselmouth to ask for a safe way down. Fonging idiot."

Tom then proceeded to do just that, but not after glaring at Mars. After a couple angry hisses later, the scary tunnel transformed into some foreboding stairs.

"Is it just me or are these stairs ridiculously foreboding?" Tome asked while repressing a shiver poorly. Mars shrugged.

"Sure I guess. You need a gummie bear?" She asked while holding a gummie bear out to him. His eyes lit up at the sight of his favorite candy.

"Psht. OF COURSE! GIMME THE GUMMIE!" He cackled gleefully. Mars flinched.

"Tommy. I have a word of advice for you." Tom leaned in closer to show he was listening. "Do not cackle. Ever again. It just does NOT fit you…." Mars trailed off with an unintelligible slew of words. He nodded solemnly and took the gummie bear that was in Mars's outstretched hand.

They strode down the stairs silently. Even at their upbeat pace, the stairs seemed to take forever to go down. Tom shrieked when he saw the large snakeskin. Mars glanced over at him coolly.

"Dark Lords don't shriek at the sight of snake skins. Especially parselmouth ones." Mars glared at the loser Dark Lord named Tom. "You are such a loser Tom." He glared at her.

Tom stopped glaring at her a put on a downright menacing look on his face. "Mention this to anyone, and it will be your last mentioning." Tom used his downiright evil (albeit sexy) icy tone, trying to scare the crap out of Mars. He failed miserably. Se bursted out laughing, cackling at Tom.

"It will be your last mentioning! HAHAHAHAH! Oh, boy, you need a lot more work than what I originally thought!" Tom frowned timidly at his failure…..Mars kept laughing at him.

Hours later they walked quietly back into the common room after fully searching the Chamber.

"Wowio. That was, quite frankly, disappointing." An irate Mars stated. Tom rolled his eyes and looked at her inquisitively. "A snake. Hours of exploring that place, and all we had to shore for it was a big egotistical snake. We didn't have to go there to find one." She said looking pointedly at Tom.

"What are you suggesting?" Tom's words icily cut through the air.

"Wow! Tommy! You are finally improving! That just totally gave me shivers. I think you and I both know very well what I was implying. But for sake of the benefit of the doubt, I just called you a big egotistical snake." Mars smiled at him joyously. Tom just riled up real quick and his face got all red a blustery.

"Would you care to repeat, that Mars?" He said rather dangerously. Mars put her hand under her chin and stared off into space.

"Noooo-YEAH! You are a big egotistical snake!" She laughed when Tom looked like he was about to lunge at her and strangle her.

"So. Cookie?"

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**Yeah. I have FINALLY updated at least one of my stories. Amazing isn't it? This story also happens to be the least read one of mine. Lol.**

**Read&REVIEW**

**Please.  
I don't care if you like this story or not.**

**I just need the input.**

**Thanks,**

**Jive22**


	3. Chapter 3

**Well on account of the fact that I have way more uncompleted stories then completed, I am completing this one, my least popular one. But I really do love writing it. But I have seriously received death threats to finish other stories :/ so yeah. This chapter will be here until I have finished at LEAST two other stories, then if I get enough people telling me to continue it, I will remove this chapter and continue writing. Cool right?**

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Mars and Tom walked into potions at the exact same time, side by side. Ever since Mars became Toms second-in-command that's just how it has always been.

Mars leaned over to Tom when they sat down, "Get a load of this guy." Tom looked up and almost wished he hadn't, because laughing like and insane maniac wasn't good for his rep. But even to the stony serious future Dark Lord, Slughorn could just be to much at times.

"Today we will be brewing," Slughorn paused for a moment of suspenseful silence, "Amortenia!"

"Well, that explains the strange outfit." Tom whispered to Mars amidst his giggles. Slughorn was decked out in complete pick heart pjs and had and arrow going through his heart. Believe me when I say that a fat jolly man wearing pink heart pjs in the fifties was really, really strange.

An hour later everyone was done with their potions. It was a two hour long class.

"Now class, I have been doing some tampering with this potion lately so I want you to all turn off the burners under your cauldrons. Good, now and a pinch of Grealsywood ash." Everyone did as they were told. "Now stir clockwise three times, then counterclockwise once." Everyone did as commanded once again. "Great. Now this version I have concocted, is weird, instead of drinking it, or applying it, you look at it. The reflection will be of the person that you are best suited for. In the whole wide world, so it would be advisable to take these results seriously." Slughorn said heartily. The classed all glanced at each other nervously. "What are you waiting for? Peer in!"

"You first."

"Psht. You first."

"I am the Dark Lord. You are my second, I said you first."

"I may be your second, but you would be nothing without me."

"Oh, just look at the bloody potion already!" Tom snarled.

"Fine. Fine." But before Mars could peer in she was interrupted.

"Whomever you see, if they look into the potion they will see you. Which basically means, if per say, Tom saw Mars, but didn't want to ask her out in fear of who she saw. That fear would be unfounded. Mars would see Tom to." Of course Sluggy had to use his two favorite students as example. Mars rolled her eyes and looked into the potion.

Lo and behold. It was Tom's handsome face smiling back at her. Thoroughly disturbed Mars pulled back from the potion abruptly.

"What? What is it?" Tom asked totally worried. She gestured to the potion. Tom thought she saw someone like that stupid freckle red-headed Weasley. So he leaned into the potion. Then he screamed. Like a girl on a chocolate high.

"! Why would anyone be so me as to say you're my life partner?" Mars grinned coyously.

"I complete you Tommy boy!" She said in a tone of voice she knew would totally piss Tom off. He glared at her.

"Eh, fair enough." And with that he sat back down.

Next thing they knew Sluggy Juggy was laughing.

"Well, I'm quite the good match-maker. Dumbledore owes me 5 galleons." He muttered a little something more before dismissing the class.

"So Tom, time for a new plan to conquer the world." Mars informed the future Dark Lord that raised and eyebrow at her.

"Before we do anything we should consult the book" Tom pointed out. Mars gasped.

"Of course, how could I ever forget!" she pulled out the ever awesome pink book.

Turning to the first blank page she wrote down a few words.

_What should Tom and I do about our newfound love? Continue being Dark Lords and Ladies? _Tom raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Newfound love? I don't remember saying I love you."

"That's because you don't need to." Mars informed him cockily. Tom laughed.

_Against my better judgment, I am going to tell you two, to forget all about this Dark Lord blasphemy. Tom, you shall work for the Ministry and run for Minister, and change our world the way you really wanted it. Easier on muggleborns. You will know when the time is right for you to run. Mars, you should further your studies of potions, try working to help Werewolves. If you guys announce you engagement before school lets out, good things will come from Sluggy. Get married as soon as you leave school. No matter what, never divorce, and have as many kids as you can. You will know when you can't. _

"That's it." Tom pointed out needlessly.

"Doesn't sound too bad." Mars also pointed out needlessly.

"No, it doesn't." With that being said, Tom put his arm around Mar's shoulder and they stood up and walked into the great hall together.

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**TWENTY YEARS LATER….**

With a peaceful sigh, Mars looked out her whole family. To her left at the head of the table was Tom, her husband, minister of Magic. Across from her was her oldest son, Marvolo who was an aurour in training at age 19. Next to him were Jesper and Venus, both 18 twins, who were both studying to be Wizarding Lawyers. Then next to those two was Sputnik (Mars named him), fondly known as Nikky. He just graduated from Hogwarts top of class, head boy, it was his 18 birthday today, and was soon heading off to the Dragon reserves in Romania. Next to him was Rhianna a 16 yr old Hufflepuff prefect, she wants to become a Medi-witch. Next to her were another set of identical twins Kayleigh and Lily who had no aspirations in life except to be badass. They were succeeding smashingly. To Mar's right was probably her most favored child. Saipha was probably the most observant 15 yr old you will ever come across, very strange and very studious a Ravenclaw she was. She wants to become an Unspeakable. To Saipha's right was Jimmy John (also named by Mars) the fourteen yr old boy was a typical Gryffindor. Wanted to learn nothing, do nothing, and was completely focused on being a chaser for Puddlemere United. Next to him was Vera a very fiery thirteen year old who wishes to become a curse-breaker. Next to her came Neverlyn (also named by Mars), her youngest son who just started Hogwarts last year and was sorted into the great house of Puffs. The twelve year old boy wants to become a master potioneer like his werewolf curing mum. Next to him was the youngest of the rich luxurious clan Smikey (named by Mars yet again) she was stubborn and spoiled, but very cunning and devious in her ability to get her parents to do stuff, buy stuff for her. There was no doubt in their minds she was going to be a Slytherin. She wishes to become a wand-maker.

Overall, Tom and Mars was very happy with the Handbooks decision to become a normal, albeit large and famous family.

Eleven kids, eleven rich kids of Slytherin blood.


End file.
